DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
