Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
