she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
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Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
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Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
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