very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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