My friends, they love my intelligence
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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