You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
it wasn't lemon gatorade
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
