plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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