My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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