you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
