Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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