I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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