I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
