Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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