That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
