Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
