My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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