were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
