I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
