What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize