Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
