My cat gives me a boner
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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