Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
