Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
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I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
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Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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