just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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