Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Someone signed my nipple.
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