Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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