dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i need to put some appletini on your dick
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
