Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Michael Bay diarrhea
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
