How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
