update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
