I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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