I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
