drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
