rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
