i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
