dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
