This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
