I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
