he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
