Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
