in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
