this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
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