In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
