i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
