I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
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had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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