I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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