i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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