I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
