im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
