Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
