You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
