last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
