i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
