I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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