Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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