I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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