i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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