You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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