found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
